The Power of Gratitude

We can never bring anything to us unless we are grateful for what we have. In fact, if somebody was completely and utterly grateful for everything, they would never have to ask for anything, because it would be given to them before they even asked.

That is the power of Gratitude.

Midnight Ramblings

Sigh. For the past two hours, I've typed, backspaced, deleted and re-typed. Everything I wanted to write is swimming on the surface of my mind. It was a bit hard for me to write a full blog post (or several) and I need to get some sleep, but I needed to write something before I wrap this day up. Perhaps once I see it written down, it will inspire me to elaborate more on them and I will write full-length blogs.

• Everything we do is filled with emotion 

If this wasn't the case, we'd be dead. Very often, we turn a deaf ear to our feelings and don't act accordingly. If you're sad, ask yourself why? Did someone upset you? Did you disappoint yourself? This afternoon I found myself feeling angry about something. I felt irritated. I actually verbalized this to my mum. "I feel angry, but I don't know why." When I hit rewind in my mind, I remembered what struck that feeling. I felt so silly feeling angry over something so trivial. I let it go. The point I'm trying to make is that emotions are that strong, that we can even tend to lose focus on what sparked it in the first place.

• It's not all about you

If someone doesn't reply a message (of any medium), why assume that they're avoiding you or upset with you? I tend to do this from time to time. I wreck my mind thinking of reasons why, and I begin to doubt myself. Speaking from experience, let me say that it's hell. You begin to conjure up conversations - maybe even confrontations - with the other person and strong emotions will overwhelm you. Why? Why have this little conflict in your mind when you don't know what's really going on? When you eventually get to the bottom of it, you may even find that you wasted valuable energy on something that was actually...nothing.

• Take off the boxing gloves

Lisa Nichols (in a section from The Secret) speaks about proverbial "boxing gloves". We all have them and use them to beat ourselves up (figuratively...I hope!) My boxing gloves rarely get taken off. I beat myself up over so many things which in the end mean nothing really.

There's a lot more to write, but I think that's for another post.
Now, I sleep.

My life: Butterflies & Mosquitoes

"How does he/she sleep at night?" is something my mother often asks about people who are ugly to others. People who hurt the feelings of those around them. How do they feel making others cry?

The first thing I do when I get home is get out of my work clothes. I usually get home just after 5pm. It's now 9:07pm and I've only just settled down from 4 hours ago.

Today was the second last day at my school. Tomorrow, after 3 years of teaching at the same school, I say goodbye to teachers, colleagues, friends and people who have become my family since living in Korea.

I'm really so blessed to have people in my life who care and love me the way they do.

However. And I say this with a capital H. There has been a person in my life who has drained me emotionally and spiritually for the past few months. Because I see this person on a daily basis, I can't avoid them.

Replay your Day!

Every night before you fall asleep, replay in your mind the good moments of the day, and give heartfelt thanks for each one of them. Think about the next day also, and intend that it is going to be amazing, that it is going to be filled with love and joy, and that all good is coming to you. Intend that it is going to be the best day of your life. Then when you wake in the morning, BEFORE you get out of bed, declare your intentions again for the day and give deep thanks as though you have received them all.

Happy Father's Day!

For all the dads of the world, especially mine, here's a poem by one of my all-time favourite poets, Helen Steiner Rice. It sums up my thoughts and feelings about my father.

Fathers are Wonderful People

Fathers are wonderful people
Too little understood,
And we do not sing their praises
As often as we should...

For, somehow, Father seems to be
The man who pays the bills,
While Mother binds up little hurts
And nurses all our ills... 

And Father struggles daily
To live up to "HIS IMAGE"
As protector and provider

And "hero or the scrimmage"...

And perhaps that is the reason

We sometimes get the notion,
That Fathers are not subject
To the thing we call emotion,

But if you look inside Dad's heart,
Where no one else can see
You'll find he's sentimental
And as "soft" as he can be...

But he's so busy every day
In the grueling race of life,
He leaves the sentimental stuff
To his partner and his wife...

But Fathers are just WONDERFUL
In a million different ways,
And they merit loving compliments
And accolade of praise,

For the only reason Dad aspires
To fortune and success
Is to make the family proud of him
And to bring them happiness...

And like OUR HEAVENLY FATHER,
He's a guardian and a guide,
Someone that we can count on
To be ALWAYS ON OUR SIDE.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy! I miss you, love you & look forward to seeing you soon! Thank you for everything you do. It is always immensely appreciated.
 

Control - Cut it out!

I was sitting with an empty blog post thinking what to write when this email came through from The Secret Scrolls by Rhonda Byrne. It's a gentle reminder that we can't always play God:

"Isn't it great to know that you cannot control your world from the outside? To try and control things on the outside feels impossible because it would take so much work, and in fact it is impossible according to the law of attraction.

To change your world all you have to do is manage your thoughts and feelings on the inside of you, and then your whole world changes."

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle"

I just received this in my e-mail...part of Rhonda Byrne's The Secret Scrolls

"Every single day, no matter who you meet in the day - friends, family, work colleagues, strangers - give joy to them. Give a smile or a compliment or kind words or kind actions, but give joy! Do your best to make sure that every single person you meet has a better day because they saw you. This might sound like it is not connected with you and your life, but believe me it is inseparably connected through cosmic law.

As you give joy to every person you meet, you bring joy to YOU. The more you can give joy to others, the more you will bring the joy back to you."

 

"Nice" just cuts it

From Google Images

I remember my high school English teacher once saying that the word, nice should only be used to describe food and not objects or people. Find another adjective, if you must.

We all know those moments when we're at a loss for words, and we can't think of anything nice to say about someone except that they're just nice - you know?

Well, for now I'm dismissing that rule (sorry, Mrs Moore) and going ahead to acknowledge some really nice people that I know. A few days ago, I wrote about weeding people out - mortals that just kind of feed off you. Many of us seem to dwell on the 'energy thieves' in our lives, but this evening, I'd like to take a U-turn and recognize all of MY nice people!

The following gems hail from various parts of the world and I've gotten to know some of them online. That doesn't make them any less "real", but I sincerely hope that I get to meet them somehow, somewhere, someday.

So what makes them nice? It's many things - but above all, I've noticed the way they treat others. I've been raised to respect people regardless of their gender, age or status and over the past few months, I've come to realize that these people share the same values that my parents have instilled in me.

In no particular order, I'd like to thank the following people for just being, well...nice :)

Chetan Dodia, Ken Wilson, Jason Renshaw, Vicky Loras, Mercy Moletsane, Grant Monareng, Junior Kanam, DJ Sbu (Sbusiso Leope), Uyanda Mbuli, DJ Fresh, Kojo Baffoe, Trevor Madondo, Gregor Rohrig, Nicki Her, Stacey Yount, Faizan Qureshi, Rebekah Johnson, Mrs Hahm, Myeong No-su. My brother, Darmesh (DJ Damage or his pet name used exclusively at home, but I fear he'll cut me off if I write it on here!) needs to be included here. He really is one of the nicest people I know. He's kind, caring, considerate, funny and wise beyond his years <-- This is up for debate, mum!

So why am I writing this post? Have these people offered me cash or an ocean cruise for writing this? No. Am I sucking up to these people? No. It's just that I think everyone needs a lift now and then. Over the past few days, I've had people say some very nice things about me. I'm not entirely sure if I'm worthy of the praise, but my way of saying 'thank you' is to bring the same joy to someone else.

Alright  - 'nuff with all the soppiness. As you were!
       

Happy Mother's Day!

To my beautiful & amazing mother, and to all mother's around the world,

Happy Mother's Day!

This is a lovely poem for all the special ladies out there.
It's written by Pat O'Reilly

Wonderful Mother
God made a wonderful mother,
A mother who never grows old;
He made her smile of the sunshine,
And He moulded her heart of pure gold;
In her eyes He placed bright shining stars,
In her cheeks fair roses you see;
God made a wonderful mother,
And He gave that dear mother to me.

Mummy, I miss and love you very much!
 

Project: Weeding

Image from Google Images

In your definition, what is a weed?

Readers on a gardening site, Daves Garden give the following definitions of what a weed is:

1. Weeds are plants which grow where they are not wanted and if not kept under control, they will compete with the ornamental plants or vegetables for the nutrients and water in the soil.
   
   
2. Weeds grow, flower and fruit very rapidly so that they spread very quickly and can soon smother other plants.
   
   
3. Weeds can also harbour pests and diseases and will provide hiding places for slugs and snails.
   
   
4. A plant that isn't growing where you want it. A nuisance plant that multiplies too fast.
   
   
5. Any undesired, uncultivated plant that grows out of place and competes with other plants for water, nutrients and space.
   
   
6. A plant that doesn't oblige you by being "beautiful" in the way you define "beautiful"
   

I haven't suddenly taken an interest in gardening or anything like that, but I have come to the conclusion that there are many weeds in my life. Of course I'm referring to people.  If I take the definitions above and apply them to people, they fit very well. Take a look at that list again and see how many of those descriptions apply to people in your life.

As I get (am I really about to say this?) older, I continue to learn about the ways of the world and its inhabitants.

It's very unfortunate that people don't value promises and commitments. It doesn't matter how small it is: "I promise I'll call you" and they don't or "Let's meet at 6" and they pitch up at 7:30.

Friendship, like any relationship, is a mutual business. You take some, you give some. For those who continue to take, they enjoy the pleasures of being spoiled by their friends. They know they'll always be forgiven when they're late for a meeting or will always enjoy the 'free' ride - so to speak. They also never initiate communication. For example, it's alright if they don't call, text or email, because well, that's what the giver always does. So why bother?

But what about the other poor soul? The giver? Does anyone consider how tired they may get from always doing and giving, giving and doing? All the time. So much, that they don't even think twice about it.

Take a guess which of the above descriptions I've been?

I have these random bursts where I want to scream, "Enough is enough!"

I had one of those very recently when I realized how many riff-raffs are hanging around in my life who contribute nothing fulfilling to my well-being. They just suck my energy & drain me.

Last week I was nearly brought to tears when I read the beautiful and heart-warming comments from people about a guest blog I'd written. They were so open about expressing their feelings about me and it put me on such a high for the rest of the day.  It got me thinking. These are the kind of people I need to surround myself with. People who emit positive energy without even trying and who make those around them feel good.

When you receive love and warmth from those around you, it's effortless to spread that same love and warmth to others. Agree?

So I'd like to take on a new project - weeding. I want to weed out the people, who just like the plants, "smother those around them" or especially those that "harbor pests and diseases and provide hiding places for slugs and snails".

I'd love to know your opinion and thoughts.
 

Don't take things personally!

About a month ago, I ordered a book for Lee. I thought I'd give it to him as a Christmas gift. After my panic attack episode which he helped me with prior to this, I saw less of him. So many people told me that I should tell him about my panic attacks. I asked him if we could talk, but it never happened.

We only began seeing each other in passing and if we shared an elevator together. Things seemed awkward between us, and I don't know why. I figured it was probably one of his many phases he was going through. He just seemed distant. The day that the book arrived, Lee pissed me off with his moods and I stuffed it (still in the bubble wrap packaging) in my bag and went home.


For weeks it was in my apartment buried under laundry, so I forgot about it.

On Christmas Eve as I was leaving work, we shared an elevator. I was going down from the 5th floor, but it stopped on the 4th when he got in. "Oh shit," I thought. We greeted each other so formally. What. The. Hell?

"Do you have any problem?" he asks.
"Uhh ... no, why?" I ask getting irritated. Why would I have a problem?
"Just - it's Christmas Eve," he says.
"No - I don't," I say as I want the elevator to hurry up.

We part ways and say good bye.  As I'm walking outside, I realize that Lee didn't ask me "Do you have any problem?" He actually meant, "Do you have any promise?" as in - an appointment later on. MY BAD!

I spent the evening of Christmas eve with my friend, Hye-jin, her husband Hong-il and their gorgeous baby Seo-jun. I met Hong-il and Hye-jin through Lee on New Years Eve last year. Hye-Jin has become one of my closest friends since then.

Hong-il says, "I invited Lee, but he's out drinking with other friends."

"What's new?" I thought. I was a bit relieved he wasn't coming.

That Saturday I met a friend in Seoul. On the subway, I was reading The Four Agreements and started the chapter, "Don't take anything personally".

Image taken from Google Images

In short:  "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

I remembered the book I was meant to give Lee was still in my apartment - still in its bubble wrap packaging.

On Monday morning I had to go to the 6th grade teachers room. Lee was there. I had to ask him something work-related. He seemed fine-ish. I told him I'd give him something later (the book).  I had a busy day, but after lunch I went to his class to give him the book.

He asks about my meeting with Hye-jin and Hong-il on Christmas Eve and I tell him what a nice time we all had. I know him better than he thinks I do. He doesn't seem good - I can read his face well.

"Are you OK?" I ask.
He just nods. I know he's lying, but I let it go.

A few hours later as I'm leaving work, I pass him at the water filter machine on the 4th floor. I open the 6th grade teachers room door to say a few words to No-su (my Korean brother) and then as I'm leaving, I can see that Lee wants to tell me something. At 4:40pm, the corridor is deserted and ice cold.

"I'm independent of my parents," he says.
"You're what?" I ask as I walk over to the water filter.
"I moved out. I have my own apartment. Near LG Department Store. In Bucheon," he continues.
"LEE! Really?" I'm shocked.


He's the youngest in his family and the only child that's unmarried. For as long as I've known him, he's had to take responsibility for his ailing parents.

"It's because of my marriage," he says.
What's he saying? That he won't get married if he continues living with his parents?
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"My mother. Always asking me - 'When are you getting married?" he says.
"Wow..." I knew that he was tired of pressure from his family to get married but it must have really gotten to him to actually move out.

"Is this your first time to live alone?" I ask.

"Yes, first time in my life," he says. He tells me that's why he's filling water bottles to keep in his fridge at home.

I won't lie. For the past few weeks, he's made me so mad with his unpredictable moods, but now I understood why. And in the moment, I felt sorry for him - AGAIN.

"Let's talk more when you come back from your trip," he says. And we say good bye.

The next day as I'm sitting at my boarding gate for my flight to Bangkok, I send last minute messages to friends. I didn't see Lee before I left work. I send him a Happy New Year message. His reply:

"wow~ i hope u have a good trip and happy new year! i envy ur free spirit - good luck ^^"

I write back saying I hope he can experience the same one day. He replies:

"ok! anyway be careful and remember me to other spy!! bond girl ^^"

The "spy" and "bond girl" is in reference to a personal joke between us. He's "Bond" and I'm "Bond Girl".

I felt a bit relieved after sending him that message. I hate going away on a long trip (especially over New Years) and leaving things in an awkward way with people. You just never know what can happen - to either party. That's just me..

What's even more ironic is that almost the same thing happened last year when I was flying to Singapore on Christmas Eve. Things were sticky with us even THEN, but he was the last person I spoke to before I flew out of Korea. I remember feeling relieved that things were settled (even if nothing was 'wrong') before I left.

So his text messages to me seemed perfectly 'normal' and at that moment I realized that whatever is going on with HIM is all just about HIM and not ME. 

Very often we take things so personally about other people's behavior or words they speak. We are so quick to assume, "It must be me!" or "What have I done?" Many times, THEIR actions or words have nothing to do with you! They're just expressing whatever it is that THEY are going through.

So as we celebrate this year year, I am going to try to consciously be less aggressive with myself and stop trying to think what is is that "I" have done. Everyone has issues that they have to deal with, sometimes on their own in their own time. I'm going to let it be.

...if you've read this far, thank you :-) Happy New Year to you & yours x

For my mother...

Note: My mum is back home in South Africa & I'm in South Korea!

The other day my mum left this comment on one of my blog posts: 

 you are such a great human being you deserve but only the BEST!!!

you are my inspiration

My immediate thought was, What?! I could duplicate those very words right back to my mum and still, it wouldn't be enough to express what I feel about her. This post is long overdue, but as they say - better late than never. So for the next few minutes, I will dedicate my time to writing about the angel in my life - my mother.

Everyone says my mum & I look like sisters. In photographs, many mistake one of us for being the other. For me, this is a huge ego boost because I think my mother is beautiful. Anyone who has had the pleasure of meeting and knowing her will agree with me. If you get to know her as a person, you will soon realize that her inner beauty exceeds her outer beauty. She is selfless beyond words and her qualities make me beam with pride to be her daughter.

She is the only person on earth who can empathize and sympathize with me about anything, anytime. Whether she's sleeping, sick or busy cooking, she will make the time to listen to me bitch and whine, cry or talk like a chatterbox that I'm known to be sometimes. Every morning when I check my e-mail I am guaranteed to read a message from my mum either wishing me a good day ahead or complimenting me on my blog.

I've learned countless lessons from my mother - many of which I'm sure she's taught me unknowingly. I've seen her retaliate unkindness with genuine love and grace. My mother deserves not only the Best Mother of the Millennium Award, but also the Best Wife of the Millennium Award.  If one day I can be even half the wife and mother that she is, my future husband and children will consider themselves damn lucky to have me.

I don't say it as often as I should, but I'm saying it now for the whole world to hear (read?!) - I love my mother. She has supported me through every single monumental phase in my life. Right from birth to school to university to leaving home when I moved to Korea in 2007. There were other things in between all these 'phases' in my life which nearly brings me to tears as I think of them.

The only fault I can find in my mother is that she doesn't realize how special, beautiful, loved and appreciated she is. We shouldn't assume that she knows this. Of course, we (her family) are appreciative of everything she does, but it's so important to verbalize this. This is what I'm doing now.

Everything I am is because of her. My knowledge of dressing, jewelry, skin care, hair care, shopping, running a household (which I'm still learning because I'm single and live alone!) and so much more is all credited to my mother. If you've been following my blog, you'd know that I've been blogging about things I'm grateful for on a daily basis. This entire post is for my mother who I'm grateful to God for.
I love you, Mummy x

Today, my planets were anything, but aligned

Image taken from Google Images

As this day draws to a close, I realize how strange it was. I felt completely out of balance all day.

This is my third winter in Korea and I still can't get used to wearing leggings and layers of clothing. It's necessary though, because temperatures drop to below freezing. You only really feel the cold when you're outside, but everywhere else - including buses and subways are heated. Still - it's the kind of cold that nearly numbs you.

I KNOW this, yet I still opted to wear a fairly thin long-sleeve top under my jacket. When I got to work, I couldn't figure out why I didn't wear my grey waistcoat that I usually wear with this particular top.

My classes were just average, but my first class of the day, 5-1 were almost non-responsive. They're usually pretty active, but today was just ... blah...


It was grey outside and I had a feeling it was going to snow. Apparently it snowed a lot in Seoul, and some students told me it snowed a little bit during lunch, but I didn't see it.

I can't find my gloves that I bought last winter, and I figured that if I was going to buy new gloves I'd buy leather ones.I decided to go to Bucheon after school to do some winter shopping.

So not dressing appropriately was my first little blunder of the day. And then...  

• After work I stopped at the ATM and couldn't make up my mind about how much cash I wanted.
  
  
• My bus chip that's attached to my phone snapped off, but it's still useable. I passed a booth where a lady sells these little chips and you can load money (credit) on it to use the bus/subway. There was a pretty orange one that I saw for 5,000 Won. I bought it and loaded 5, 000 Won credit. That's 10,000 spent before I even started my shopping. My co-teacher was with me and told me after I bought it that it was a bit expensive.  On the bus, I remembered that I have another chip at home (brand new). I really regretted buying the new orange one.
  
  
• In Bucheon, I went to the underground shopping mall at the subway station. I knew exactly where I wanted to go to buy what I wanted and needed. First thing - gloves. I didn't get the leather ones I wanted, but I spent 10, 000 Won on a new pair - quite pretty, I thought.
  
  
• Next thing: Leggings / Socks. The poor ajuma (Korean lady) dug around for a new unopened package of leggings, but I decided not to take it. So I chose 3 pairs of knee-high socks. At the last minute, I took another pair. As I dug in my bag for money, I saw the bus chip I'd bought. Would this ajuma maybe buy it from me?! Waaahhaahaa! She looked at me as if to say "yeah right!" Well, it was worth a try!
  
  
• Next stop - buy a scarf. There were a few pretty colours that I saw, and I couldn't decide which one to buy. I settled for a black. Thankful for the man being so patient with me
  
  
• I went upstairs to E-Mart and saw the exact gloves that I wanted. They were 12, 000 Won. I really wanted them, but I'd already bought a pair downstairs. I bought it anyway and figured I'd return the other one.
  
  
• When I went downstairs, the man thought I wanted to exchange it for something, but I said now I wanted to return it. I HATE doing that... but... he did!
  
  
• Then it's time to go home. There are various queues to stand in to catch a bus to my stop. Which one should I stand in? 31-3? 38? I can't make up my mind. I settle for 38.
  
  
• After I arrive at my stop, I decide to try my luck if the lady will take back my bus chip. After all, I already loaded money on it. I speak to her in broken Korean and ask her if she'd take it back from me. She does it with a smile :)  Daaaamn... I'm good!
  
  
• Time to head home. I haven't eaten yet. Should I buy gim-bap (rice/veggies rolled in seaweed)? I can't decide if I'm hungry or not. I leave it and walk home.
  

• At home, I notice an un-opened pack of cosmetic powder pads.  And I bought a new pack today - forgetting I already had one.

Even while writing this blog, I battled forming sentences. While writing it, my friend Sarah called to ask if I can go shopping with her tomorrow. Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better, balanced day for me.  I'm wrapping up today and calling it a night. Love x

Week-end Reflections

After what happened on Friday,I felt better after writing about it and talking to friends.

I think I may be inclined to believe that Ignorance is Bliss. If my co-teacher hadn't told me what my principal and vice principal were talking about me, it wouldn't have phased me at all. On the other hand, I'm glad I was told. I still can't believe their audacity to speak about me being RIGHT there.

Up to now, we've been friendly with each other - I'll continue to be respectful but I will definitely be very weary of them (my principal and vice) from now on. 

I'm just putting it down to ignorance - on their part. And of course, life experience for me.

This week-end was one of those that just need to be forgotten. I did nothing, even though I was totally up to doing something fun. I was let on Saturday by a friend - yet again. This keeps getting confirmed for me -

You can't trust anyone and You can't rely on anyone.

As a result of this, I keep to myself and may seem like a recluse to others. Can you blame me?  

Anyway - tomorrow is Monday, and a time to hit Restart and begin a fresh week. Hope everyone had a good w-end! Love x

Wearing a bindi 'coz I'm a virgin?

Brief Background

My current principal (woman) started at the beginning of this year and the vice principal (man) started at the beginning of this semester. I don't know them as well as I know the previous principal and vice who I was fond of. I only really see them during lunch time when we eat together in the teacher's room along.

Also, I have 2 co-teachers: Mr Oh and Soonhwa. Mr Oh is one of the head teachers so he sits together with the principal and vice principal at a separate table - just a few feet from where I sit. Remember everyone speaks Korean, except if a teacher is talking directly to me. The principal & vice don't speak English.

My Bindi's

For a few years, I've been wearing a bindi everyday. I have dozens and usually match the colour to whatever I'm wearing for the day. Bindi's are a significant part of the Indian culture. For example, a red dot symbolizes that a woman is married. There are many other stories behind the bindi, but to put it simply to people - it's Indian fashion, or as I say here in Korea "Indo pashin" That is, after all, what the bindi has evolved to.

My students are always curious about my bindi's and are very observant when I don't wear one (usually on days when I'm feeling slightly out of balance with myself).


Today at lunch

As I take my seat at lunch, the vice principal walks past saying something to me in Korean while he's pointing to the middle of his brow. He's referring to my bindi. The only word I catch in Korean is "morning" I don't understand what he's saying, and none of the other 8 teachers sitting at the table translate for me. They just sit with their heads bent and start eating their food. This frustrates me because my Korean is not that fluent to understand everything.

I greeted the vice principal this morning and he thought that I wasn't wearing one [bindi]. He assumed that I put one on before coming to lunch. He was mistaken. As he's taking his food, he starts asking questions about my bindi. One teacher tells him that I change it everyday according to what colour clothes I'm wearing. So he becomes curious about how many I have.

Enter Principal

The principal enters and the she's invited into the conversation by the vice (about me) They take their seat next to Mr Oh. I'm trying to eat quickly because I have a deadline to meet, but I can hear snippets of the conversation from the next table. I hear "Indo-saram" (Indian person) and "Nam-Aprika" (South Africa). Of course I ask Soon-hwa if they are talking about me. She nods her head and says she'll tell me later.

'Coz I'm a virgin?

When we're done with classes for the day and sitting in the office, Soon-hwa asks me about my bindi. She wants to tell me about what the principal and vice were talking about. She doesn't look very happy and says that since lunch time she has been trying to think how to tell me this.

"He (vice principal) thinks it is for burden"
"Burden?"
I can't understand her.

She doesn't mean "burden". She means "virgin". He [vice] used a Korean word meaning "female virgin".

My vice principal thinks that I wear a bindi because I'm a virgin.

Am I hearing correctly? Those words just don't fit in a sentence together.

"vice principal" / "bindi" / "virgin"

It gets worse

Apparently he went on to say that boys will probably be very happy when they see me ... knowing that I'm a virgin.

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Soon-hwa tells me that she was very angry at lunch time, but couldn't tell me at the time. She was upset further that none of the other teachers at my table (all women) reacted to this.

She goes on to tell me that if it was said to a Korean teacher, there would be "big problems".

Why I'm pissed off

• How can a conversation ABOUT ME being a VIRGIN happen right next to me without me knowing? Of course, they were speaking in Korean.
  
  
• The vice principal is old enough to be my father. I hardly know him. He's my superior. I'm the foreign teacher. Why is he talking about such things?
  
  
• Why didn't the principal (a WOMAN) stop this conversation?
  
  
• How can this be a topic at lunchtime in front of my co-teacher, Mr Oh?
  
  
• Why didn't anyone else tell me this? Or react?
  

Need to vent

I tell my friend, Sarah - also a teacher. She doesn't react much. But that's just her. She doesn't show much emotion. And besides, she's not really surprised. To top it off - she'd rather talk about her new boyfriend. So I listen to her and show happiness and excitement for her.

Hit the gym

But I still need to let off steam. So I head to the gym. Seo-gyun is there, but I try to ignore him. Hopefully he'll get the hint. After a while, my gym instructor comes over to me and says, "Condition down?" I want to scream - F*ck YES! I really appreciate him asking me that.

A few hours later

Talking about it and now writing about it, I feel a bit better. There's a lot more I want to say and elaborate on, but I will do that in another blog. There are many things going through my mind - did Soon-hwa translate correctly? What if she misunderstood?

But there are still other things that are frustrating me. I will write more about that maybe tomorrow. For now, I have to take a break and relax.

Peace...

It's been a week. The moment's gone.

I'm leaving work and approaching the school gates. I look over my shoulder and see Yong-un's car backing out. "Oh sh!t," I think. I don't want to see him. As luck would have it, the pedestrian traffic light is red, and he pulls out the school gate next to me. He rolls down his window.

"Hi"
I bend down and say "Hello... how are you?"
He nods his head, "Fine...and you?"
"I'm good"
"Are you going to gym?"
"Yes, and you?"
"I'm going to play golf... with my friends"
"Cool! Enjoy!"
The light turns green.
"Have a nice day"
"You too...bye"

I cross the street thinking: W-T-F?!

It's been a week since I asked him if we could talk.

He said we could talk the following day, but he got busy at work. He hasn't brought it up again and neither have I. From all the comments and e-mails I received from the blog I wrote, I was gearing myself up to tell him about my 'secret'.

It's been a week. The moment has gone. And I don't think I can bring it back again. I will forever be grateful for what he did for me two weeks ago. But now it's as if that never happened. So I'm putting it to rest. Let it go.

I have to admit that Yong-un and I kind of have a love-hate relationship (although it's just me doing the loving-hating) .

For the past year that I've known him, I've learned that he's moody. Moodier than any guy I've met. We could be out one night till late talking and laughing, and the next day he won't even acknowledge my presence in a room.

When we had the staff dinner on Friday 2 weeks ago, he was SO bubbly. I drove with him to the restaurant and he killed me laughing. But now...he's back to his non-talking self again and is being all formal-ish around me. He always does this. Before you tell me I'm being too harsh on him and maybe he's got other issues going on...I think he does.

I think his biggest issue is his fear of getting close to people. Every time we're getting along well and talking or laughing, it's so short-lived. And I'm always having to judge his moods before I speak to him. If he's in a non-talking mood, I must abide. If he's chirpy, I must be too. It's annoying and tiring!

Am I disappointed in him?

I never ask anyone for favours, unless I'm desperate and I can reciprocate. Living alone in Korea for the past two and half years, I've learned to fend for myself - a LOT. When I'm sick, I have to take care of myself. It's what we have to do when we choose to live away from our family. But the one time I needed to just talk to someone about a private matter I've kept hidden for all this time, they weren't there for me.

This is the reason I've become hard & people call me a tough cookie. I'm yet to meet someone who hasn't disappointed me or let me down other than my parents and brother. But it's fine. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. I believe it!

Filing today away in the "Fcuk my life" folder

Today I ran on about 3 hours worth of sleep. I was fine because I was busy all day, and was told I needed to submit 15 lesson plans by tomorrow. While I was working frantically, Mr Kim came to my office. I spoke about Mr Kim, my IT guy on Friday.

He wanted to show me the names of the files that was recovered from my hard drive.

ONLY 8 GB COULD BE RECOVERED

I apologize if this sounds morbid, but what the hell. I can only liken my experience and feelings to death. As I scrolled down the list of things that were recovered, it was like I was being asked to "identify a body" (which I've never done before)

I recognized some folder names, namely: London /Jeju Island/ South Africa-Durban/ At home and some others.

I have to pay about $300 (US) for this. After Mr Kim left, I felt my shoulders and arms feel very tight. I was tired of sitting at my desk clicking my mouse and typing frantically, but I had to meet a deadline. And now the loss of my data on my hard drive.

I feel like putting this day away in the "Fcuk my life" folder. Those who know me will know that it takes A LOT for me to say THAT. So ummm... yeah, I guess that's the way I'm wrapping up November 2009...

My writing - I don't care if they don't care

While I'm doing some online admin, a cyber friend logs on.

Him: Darling...
Me: Sweetheart! It's been forever.
Him: I know, how are you?
Me: I'm good, can't complain - and you?
Him: Busy as usual. I'm going to Geneva next month... meet me there!
Me: I wish! I'm working right through December & even January.
Him: So what are you up to these days?
Me: Work - gym - home. Writing a lot these days.
Him: Cool. What are you writing?
Me: Blogging and also... working on a memoir of some sorts.
Him: HA HA HA! A memoir?
(I don't reply)
Him: What are you writing a memoir for? You're too young for that.
(Now I'm irritated. At myself for telling him. At him for laughing at me)
Me: Am I?
Him: Just kidding! Hey babe...I gotta run.
Me: Later


So is there an age specification or limit for writing anything in particular?

After the chat, I posted a question on Twitter asking if writers should tell their family & friends about their writing projects. My family & friends never know what I'm writing about and only get to read it after its been published. There's risk of being laughed at - as I was (and I don't know if he was kidding or not) but it got me thinking.


But I must emphasize that my parents are my #1 readers!

While it's fine to write about anything I want to, what makes me think that anyone else gives a damn about what's going on in my life? Who cares about how I got lost in a deserted market place in the dead of night when I just arrived in Korea? Does anyone care about the people I've met and how they've touched me with their kindness and hospitality? And who's bothered to read about my drama that unfolded when my external hard drive fell to the ground and I felt like my world came crashing down on me?

I can't give you stats on who will read all that I write, but I do know that since I'm able to express myself the way I do, I won't let anyone get me down or have me question myself about why I write.

My love for words grew from primary (middle) school to high school. I knew that whatever profession I choose to follow, writing will always be my first love.

Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame says that all writers think they suck. At the best of times, I think my writing sucks and there are days I can't believe I've published something on my blog for the whole world to read and rip to pieces if they wish to. Judging is part of human nature and I feel like every time I hit "Publish Post" I'm literally putting myself out there. I'm out there in cyberspace for all to see me naked.

I'm always happy (and humbled) when I receive comments and emails from people who read my writing. I can only say to them: 'Thank You'

Back to my earlier question:

So is there an age specification or limit for writing anything in particular?

I may be 2... Hmmmm! ....I'm in my mid-twenties. Does that mean I've not lived long enough to write about worthwhile experiences? Hell to the N-O! I know that I have seen and done more than some people I know who are twice my age. And some people who are my age are straddled with responsibilities of being a wife and mother. Not to say that I don't have responsibilities. Mine are just different.

People from different walks of life have told me that I speak to them indirectly through what I write. I love people and I love connecting with like-minded people. So when I hear comments like that, I know that what I'm doing is worthwhile.

I can't seem to catch a break

I can't seem to catch a break

I feel like I need a good cry. I think it'll make me feel better. But I can't seem to. It's not easy to cry on demand!

After my panic attack on Friday, I've been fairly Okaaaay. It happened after many months, and I've been confused as to what brought it on. And then there's the thought of, "When will it happen again?" I've been kept busy with work and have spent my evenings writing / blogging. It has become like therapy for me, and the other day I was up at 6am writing!

My family & close friends will know what absolute hell I went through at the beginning of last month with my hard drive drama. I blogged about it a lot (more therapy) - Crash Boom Bang.

Basically, my hard drive fell on the floor. (I get shivers just thinking back to it) I told my IT guy (Mr Kim) that I'd pay ANYTHING to have my data recovered. In fact, I didn't care about anything else on it, except for the one folder titled PHOTOS.

...and before you go on telling me that I should have had a back-up, I'd already asked Mr Kim for another hard drive to back up my data. And it was going to happen within a few days. (My best photos are saved online, but the quality has been lost due to images being reduced)

Only those close to me know how I value my camera and everything it has seen with me on my travels. So I was really feeling devastated.


I've been waiting patiently to hear from Mr Kim. He keeps telling me that the "company more time need" I've kept my hopes high. If they're keeping it for so long, surely I'll get good news? It was going to cost me a lot ($500 US) but I was told that about 90% of my data may be recovered.

So... about two and a half hours ago:

A few minutes before leaving work, my co-teacher tells me about lesson plans she needs by early next week. I leave work at 5pm and the sky is grey - which I hate. I'm walking quickly, but am happy to see Mr Kim pull in. He rolls down the window on the passenger side of his car. He rambles something to me in Korean with a sympathetic look on his face. He pulls over and gets out...talking more.

"My data... no?"
In my mind, I'm praying: "Please, I've had a crap week. Do NOT give me bad news. Please."

He says something I can't understand. But doesn't sound good. He's very expressive with his eys and I catch on quickly.

When I tell him that ALL I want is just my photos in my PHOTOS FOLDER, he looks at me with an expression that gives me a bit of hope. I want to cry right there in the car parking lot. But it's not easy for me to cry in front of people. He tells me he'll come and see me tomorrow to show me what has been saved. I thank him profusely. I know he's tried his best and so far, has always come through for me with any tech issues I've had.

I start walking out the school gates and Yong-un is leaving school as well. He's with another teacher. We still haven't spoken. In all fairness, the teachers have been very busy at school this week, but then again - I always seem to make excuses for him. So I'm feeling a bit distant from him...again.

On my way home, my eyes feel hot with tears welling up, but the cold air stops the tears from falling. I stop to buy something at the grocery store, but feel like I'm out of my body. I drag myself to my apartment. Going to gym is the farthest thing from my mind. I imagine Seo-gyun is waiting for me!

I can't seem to catch a break this week.

I can't vent or cry to anyone here, and the one person I used to be able to do that with has gone off the radar since she got married (very suddenly) a month ago.

So I turn to my humble little abode in cyberspace - my blog, which is basically my public journal. At least this is my space where I can vent and scream as much as I want to.

I can't imagine living in Korea without the internet. I'm so grateful to my friends all over the world - America, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, UK, India and ...of course, South Africa. On nights that I'm at home, I'm kept company by my cyber friends - some of whom I've never even met before.

Thank you...

Today I questioned myself as a teacher

This morning I had speaking tests with the students. One by one they came into my office. I showed them a picture and they had to say a simple sentence which we've studied intensely.

"Let's play soccer"
"Sorry, I can't. I'm tired"

They're usually very nervous for one-on-one speaking tests, so I chat to them for about 30 seconds before we start. I ask them things like what they had for breakfast and what they enjoy about English class (I speak in broken Korean)

Today - as a teacher - I felt frustrated. A bit sad, too.

I asked some of them, "How are you?" and they replied, "It's sunny"
I repeated the question and they gave me the same answer.

I bet you're thinking that's so adorable, right? A year ago, I'd have thought they same thing. But for the past two and a half years I have placed SO much emphasis on basic greeting.

A: How are you?
B: I'm good thanks/fine thanks - and you?

So when a student answers "It's sunny" when asked "How are you?" I actually feel like bursting into tears. And - it was overcast and cold all day.

Weather is another thing I've drilled over and over again.

A: How's the weather?
B: It's sunny/rainy/windy

When I stand in front of a class asking them questions, I'm overwhelmed with joy when I hear 36 little voices chanting the answers back at me. I feel so proud to know that I've imparted knowledge to these little people.

However, the real test comes when a teacher is with a student on-one-one.


Today I questioned myself as a teacher.

What am I doing wrong? I certainly don't want to think that I'm [dare I say it] wasting my time?

I put a lot of effort into my lessons and was awarded for it earlier this year. I know there are probably other teachers who feel the way I do. I'm not a teacher by profession. So I haven't studied the sociological aspects of what is to be a teacher. But why aren't they grasping simple things I'm teaching them?

All I know is that I'm putting my all out there. How much are my students taking in? This is what has been bothering me all day.