I can't seem to catch a break

I can't seem to catch a break

I feel like I need a good cry. I think it'll make me feel better. But I can't seem to. It's not easy to cry on demand!

After my panic attack on Friday, I've been fairly Okaaaay. It happened after many months, and I've been confused as to what brought it on. And then there's the thought of, "When will it happen again?" I've been kept busy with work and have spent my evenings writing / blogging. It has become like therapy for me, and the other day I was up at 6am writing!

My family & close friends will know what absolute hell I went through at the beginning of last month with my hard drive drama. I blogged about it a lot (more therapy) - Crash Boom Bang.

Basically, my hard drive fell on the floor. (I get shivers just thinking back to it) I told my IT guy (Mr Kim) that I'd pay ANYTHING to have my data recovered. In fact, I didn't care about anything else on it, except for the one folder titled PHOTOS.

...and before you go on telling me that I should have had a back-up, I'd already asked Mr Kim for another hard drive to back up my data. And it was going to happen within a few days. (My best photos are saved online, but the quality has been lost due to images being reduced)

Only those close to me know how I value my camera and everything it has seen with me on my travels. So I was really feeling devastated.


I've been waiting patiently to hear from Mr Kim. He keeps telling me that the "company more time need" I've kept my hopes high. If they're keeping it for so long, surely I'll get good news? It was going to cost me a lot ($500 US) but I was told that about 90% of my data may be recovered.

So... about two and a half hours ago:

A few minutes before leaving work, my co-teacher tells me about lesson plans she needs by early next week. I leave work at 5pm and the sky is grey - which I hate. I'm walking quickly, but am happy to see Mr Kim pull in. He rolls down the window on the passenger side of his car. He rambles something to me in Korean with a sympathetic look on his face. He pulls over and gets out...talking more.

"My data... no?"
In my mind, I'm praying: "Please, I've had a crap week. Do NOT give me bad news. Please."

He says something I can't understand. But doesn't sound good. He's very expressive with his eys and I catch on quickly.

When I tell him that ALL I want is just my photos in my PHOTOS FOLDER, he looks at me with an expression that gives me a bit of hope. I want to cry right there in the car parking lot. But it's not easy for me to cry in front of people. He tells me he'll come and see me tomorrow to show me what has been saved. I thank him profusely. I know he's tried his best and so far, has always come through for me with any tech issues I've had.

I start walking out the school gates and Yong-un is leaving school as well. He's with another teacher. We still haven't spoken. In all fairness, the teachers have been very busy at school this week, but then again - I always seem to make excuses for him. So I'm feeling a bit distant from him...again.

On my way home, my eyes feel hot with tears welling up, but the cold air stops the tears from falling. I stop to buy something at the grocery store, but feel like I'm out of my body. I drag myself to my apartment. Going to gym is the farthest thing from my mind. I imagine Seo-gyun is waiting for me!

I can't seem to catch a break this week.

I can't vent or cry to anyone here, and the one person I used to be able to do that with has gone off the radar since she got married (very suddenly) a month ago.

So I turn to my humble little abode in cyberspace - my blog, which is basically my public journal. At least this is my space where I can vent and scream as much as I want to.

I can't imagine living in Korea without the internet. I'm so grateful to my friends all over the world - America, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, UK, India and ...of course, South Africa. On nights that I'm at home, I'm kept company by my cyber friends - some of whom I've never even met before.

Thank you...

Hesitant to break the wall...

Image taken from Google Images

A few friends who read my blog posts about my panic attack on Friday have advised me that I should tell my friend, Yong-un that it was in fact a panic attack. He helped me, took me to a pharmacy and was with me till I was back to my old self. He's one of my few friends here who I've shared quite a bit with... except the fact that I have panic attacks.

I've been thinking about friends who've been with me during an episode. I can't speak for others, but I feel that if I have an attack when I'm with a friend who tries keeping me focused, I feel a bit different towards them after it. In the heat of the moment of an attack, I'm at my most vulnerable state. There are different kinds of panic attacks. With mine, I become extremely frightened, my shoulders and neck lock in and I feel like a heavy dark force is enjoying a roller coaster ride in my body. I feel like I can't control my tongue and I lose my speech for a few minutes. My body, mind and spirit separate and I feel helpless.

Can you imagine being perfectly fine with someone and within seconds, you're in the state that I've just described above? This is what happened on Friday evening when I was out at dinner with 9 other teachers. Yong-un took me away from the rest of them so they didn't see me at my worst. I don't know how he [Yong-un] felt after seeing me like that, but he's one of the few - and the only one in Korea - who's been with me during an attack. For me, it's like he's seen a side of me that I've tried to keep 'secret' from my Korean colleagues and friends.

Since it happened on Friday evening, I've been thinking of telling him about this condition. I'm so far away from home - my family, friends and everything else familiar to me that I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell one person about it - in case it erupts again. Of course he won't be able to do much about it if I'm alone - and trust me, having a panic attack alone is enough to make you scream. I've had it with no one around, and all I can do is cry and tell myself that it will just be over soon. I imagine my doctor's voice telling me, "You can't die from a panic attack" and within a few minutes, I'm back to normal...but with tense muscles and feeling exhausted.

Then again, this is my third year here in Korea, and so far I've been fine.

So this morning I saw Yong-un and asked if he had time to talk. He said we can talk tomorrow afternoon. But now I don't know if I should tell him. Part of me wants to, but another part of me is scared of judgment. By now you'd have guessed that I'm pretty open about my panic attacks. I think many people are misinformed about this and just like others who suffer with things like cancer or diabetes - many of them want to create awareness. This is what I want to do about panic attacks.

As I blogged on Friday evening, there is still a stigma attached to this condition and people don't realize how common it is. Unfortunately, I'm living in a society that believes if you take medication for your mental well-being, you're "crazy". Generally, Koreans don't believe in therapy, like seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. I had this discussion with a Korean friend, and when I asked her, "So what do people do when they're depressed or need to talk about something serious?" she replied, "They drink" - of course, this is just a generalization.

Before I came to Korea as an English teacher in 2007, I was accepted at a particular school. I had a telephonic interview with my new co-teacher and everything was good to go. Until they saw my medical certificate with my anti-depressant medication listed on it. When they asked about the nature of the drug, they were hesitant about hiring me. I got a call from my agent saying that they'd rather not take me on. Just because I was taking an anti-depressant drug for my panic attacks. I was more than determined not to let this condition take over any sphere of my life.


If you ask me, with the amount of stress we are all facing these days, I'm surprised that it's not mandatory we ALL take anti-depressants! Speaking of which, I weened myself off it shortly after I arrived in Korea. I hate taking any kinds of medication and I was pretty chuffed that I got myself off it. (Mum wasn't too impressed, though!) It can be dangerous for some people who depend entirely on that pill.

It's just after 8pm here in Korea, and I'm thinking if I should tell Yong-un tomorrow. Will he treat me differently? Will he feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me? Maybe he won't want to go out with me anywhere anymore? I may have friends here in Korea who are also like my family, but I must always remember that they only know me for the past 2 or 3 years. And for many people here, I'm just "Sheetal, the Foreign / English Teacher" Many don't know that I've been writing for the past nine years. That I have a Journalism degree. That I had an ordeal leading up to my first attack in 2003. That I have so many wonderful friends who I love and who love me back home in South Africa.

I have no history with anyone here, and I suppose this is what I miss the most about being seven time zones away from my family and friends. I can't just bring up a conversation starting with, "Remember when..." or "You know so-and-so..." We all need to talk and communicate. (Hmmm, some may argue women need this more than men, but anyway... ) We are social beings and if you know me, you'd know I can be a chatterbox!

I try to wear a smile no matter how I'm feeling. It gets tiring doing this and everyone's gotten used to seeing that side of me. So when I'm down & out, no one really notices. Maybe it's time to break down the wall just a bit and allow someone in for a change. I'm thinking of things like, "But he [Yong-un] already has so much on his head. He's not responsible for me." But he, himself said (on Friday, actually): "I'm your friend" and friends are meant to share things like this, right?

What do you think?

PA Part 4 - I can't predict the next one

Image taken from Google Images

PA Part 1 - F*ck no! Not here. Not now.
PA Part 2 - "I think you need medicine"
PA Part 3 - "I think your mind isn't good now"

I arrived home feeling tired. That's what a panic attack does. For a few minutes it feels like all my energy has been sucked out of every pore on my body.

I had my first panic attack during a Journ lecture at university back in 2003. It was the scariest feeling ever. I thought I was dying. I regressed to a 3-year-old child and lost my speech for a good few days. I wrote about the experience shortly after I recovered from the first big one and was amazed by the responses I got from readers.

Panic attacks still have some kind of stigma attached to it. Probably because people aren't educated enough about it. I won't go into all that detail now as there's already a ton of information on this out there. But I will say this...

Having panic attacks doesn't mean that others need to walk on eggshells around you...waiting for you to break out into a sweat and start trembling. I fear that if I tell my Korean friends about this, they'd avoid going out with me, just in case "it happens"

Nothing needs to be "wrong"

When a panic attack occurs, it just means that the emergency button on my brain went off ... it doesn't always have to be triggered by something. Like this evening, I was fine. In fact, I felt good all day. Yes, sometimes a situation can play on our minds subconsciously. That's what happened when I had my first attack, according to my doctor.

So why write about it for the world?

I recently wrote about "being naked" when I write. Exposing myself to my readers in such a way that they will be able to feel the emotions and sincerity in my posts. So far, those posts have received the most comments and e-mails from readers. It's been six years since my first attack, and I'm able to talk about it very openly. This is a very common condition which not many people are well informed of. It's up to each individual whether they want to share their experience or not. I want to share. And I know there are many people out there who will relate to what I'm saying.

I wrote about this for various reasons. My feelings and emotions from it are still fresh in my mind. My right shoulder is hurting from the muscle spasms. For me, writing about it is like therapy. I'm "talking" without actually opening my mouth.

My parents

I know my parents will be reading this and I have no doubt they'll be worried about me by the time they get to this blog post. I'm fine. I really am! It's been months since my last attack and I can't predict when the next one will be (God willing there won't be one). But it could happen when I go upstairs to sleep soon. It could happen tomorrow afternoon or perhaps May 16 2010 (random date I just sucked out of my thumb) We can't predict when this violent 'monster' will erupt. But when it does, I have to keep reminding myself that I WILL NOT DIE.

I'm very thankful that I wasn't alone. I've had panic attacks when I've been alone (at university) I don't wish it upon anyone. Even though I don't want to draw attention to myself during the attack, I am glad I was with teachers who I trust and who I know care for me. Yong-un came through for me as a friend before being my colleague.

Only those who have had a panic attack will understand how it is appreciated to have someone hold your trembling hand and tell you, "Don't worry - everything will be OK" Of course, we know that already but to hear it from someone else makes it more believable. A panic attack is just that. You panic as if there's danger when there isn't.

I thought about telling Yong-un that what I had was a panic attack, but I've decided not to. It happened. It's over. I don't have to revisit it all by telling him about it. What do you think?

PA Part 3 - "I think your mind isn't good now"

Image taken from Google Images

PA Part 1 - F*ck no! Not here. Not now.
PA Part 2 - "I think you need medicine"

It's quite a walk back to the car. I'm thankful for this because I really need this fresh air. Yong-un insists I take his jacket. What I really want to do is take off all my clothes that I'm wearing, because in that state I feel so restricted. I want to pull and rip off everything on my body. My earrings, necklace, rings, socks... but I know this feeling will pass.

As we walk, he makes corny jokes trying to make me laugh. And it works. Slowly, my speech comes back and I feel more relaxed. We meet the other teachers who have been waiting for us. I can sense they don't know whether to ask if I'm OK or just pretend everything's fine. Some of them (including my Korean brother) looks at me sympathetically. I think I'm probably looking like crap.

Yong-un tells me he's taking me home. I remembered he had plans for the evening.

"But you have to meet your friends."
"I'll take you home first."

So we sit in the car waiting for it to heat up. And he starts with his jokes again. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My eyes are pale (compared to the "shiny eyes" I had a few hours ago) It's like my face muscles are pulling. But I still manage to smile.

"What do you think of my first aid?!"
"You are Number 1 - thank you!"

"I think your body is very good" (He's not hitting on me. He's merely telling me I'm healthy!)
He puts his hand on his chest and says, "...but I think your mind isn't good now. Do you have much stress these days?"

"I have regular stress" (Which is what? I wonder after saying that)
He goes from jokes to being all serious with me.

The other teachers come to the car as they're on their way home as well. One of them has to pass my apartment, so we decide I'll get a ride with her instead. Five minutes later, Yong-un calls me.

"Sheetal, are you OK?"
"Yes, thank you"
"When you go home, take that medicine again. 2 from each box"
"Ok, I will. Thank you"
"Send a message when you get home"
"Ok"
"I was a good first aid, right?!" he asks with a chuckle.
"Yes, you definitely were. Thank you!"
"Have a nice evening"
"Thanks...and you too"

Feeling a bit tired and sore, I'm home-bound.

PA Part 4 - I can't predict the next one

PA Part 2 - "I think you need medicine"

Image taken from Google Images

PA Part 1 - F*ck no! Not here. Not now.

It feels like a force takes over my body. Every inch of it. From my fingertips to my eyebrows to the pit of my stomach. It's like the devil has come to play in my body.

My heart starts racing and I'm breathing heavily. I try to keep my cool and not draw attention to me, but there are people everywhere and it feels like they're all staring. Yong-un pulls me aside and hits my arms.

"Sheetal! It's just me now, are you OK?"

I need to get out of that fish market. The head teacher asks Yong-un to take me away. A scooter drives by and I tense up even more after it makes its noisy way past me.

"I think you need medicine," he tells me.
I'm walking as if I'm drunk and if it's not for him helping me, I feel like I could just collapse right there in the middle of the fish market.

Must I tell him what's happening to me? If I do, my Korean colleagues will know that I get panic attacks. What I've kept to myself for the past 2 years of living here will be known to people I see and work with everyday. Knowing how paranoid some people can be of conditions like this, I decided before coming here that I would keep this information to myself.

My doctor says casually, "Having panic attacks is like having asthma" It's more common than we think. And he also told me to always remind myself that I WILL NOT DIE from it.

It's been months since I last had an episode. I've not allowed it to hinder my life in any way, and I don't think it's necessary to randomly tell my colleagues and acquaintances about it. Although I do believe that friends should be aware so that they know how to react when an attack occurs.

I remember my doctor telling my parents not to 'baby' me in that condition, because I have a tendency to regress to the behaviour of a child. The first time I had a panic attack in 2003, I regressed to a 3-year-old child.

I close my eyes as I walk. My legs feel like they're made of lead. It's too much effort to walk. I just want to collapse in the puddles of water I'm walking through. I want to tell Yong-un that my body is weak. I can see the concern on his face and I feel a pinch of guilt.

Should I just let him take me to the pharmacy? I try telling him something, but my tongue has a mind of its own and won't let the words out. I want to tell him that I know what's happening to me. But then he pushes me in the direction of the pharmacy door.

Must give Korea credit for being one of the most convenient countries with pharmacies and stores on nearly every block.

Also, it may be frustrating for us both if I try to explain all this to him now. I'm not that close to the other teachers in the group (there are 10 of us out) and I don't think it's important for them to know all this about me. I do want to tell Yong-un that it's a panic attack, but he's already talking to the pharmacist.

He asks Yong-un something in Korean.
"Does your body ache?" he asks me.
I shake my head but touch my neck saying that the muscles are tight.
The pharmacist puts two boxes of tablets down with a small bottle of a Korean drink.
Apparently, it will calm me down. That's all I need. To calm down. So I take it, but I want to be outside.

PA Part 3 - "I think your mind isn't good now"
   

PA Part 1 - F*ck no! Not here. Not now.

Image taken from Google Images

As I write this, my eyes feel heavy and the muscles around my neck and shoulders are tight.

It happened just two hours ago.
I had to tell myself, "You're not going to die"

Here's what happened:

I'm at a fish market at dinner with the 6th grade staff. We're having sushi (Yes, I try some but wrap it up in lettuce with soy sauce and some other things) To drink, I have Cider. The head teacher pours so-ju (Korean alcohol) in a shot glass for everyone and I only use it for a toast. It's been months since I drank the stuff and I'm not keen on having it tonight. The glass sits FULL in front of me.

I'm in a pretty cheerful mood and my friend, Yong-un who is sitting next to me is having one of his 'good' days and is very talkative and making me laugh.

I suddenly become very sleepy and start dozing off right there at the end of the table. We're upstairs in a restaurant that's full of people now. I'm sitting on the heated floor and think perhaps I need fresh air. The other teachers are making plans about our next social. I'm jolted awake when Yong-un hits my arm to get my attention to ask me something.

I feel a bit disorientated and tell the head teacher sitting across from me that I need to go outside. It's time for us to leave anyway, so we put on our jackets and shoes and head out.

The cold air outside hits me very hard. My right hand starts shaking uncontrollably.
My thoughts at that moment?

"F*ck no!
NOT here.
NOT now.
Go away Goddammit.
Please"

Yong-un asks me, "Are you OK?"
"No"
"Are you cold?"
I shake my head. My shoulders and neck lock in.
They all think I'm cold. Yong-un takes off his thick jacket for me, but I can't tell him that I don't want it. I actually can't tell him. I feel irritated. They are confused what's going on with me, but I know. I know what is happening to me.

I'm having a panic attack.

PA Part 2 - "I think you need medicine"