You know my name, but not my story

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm currently completing a Teacher's Training (in one year) so while stories have been bubbling in my mind, waiting to be written, my time and energy have been dedicated to assignments and studying. 

The topic of identity and belonging has always been close to my heart, because my life is so multi-faceted.

Yesterday in my subject Communication and Consultation I attended a session on intercultural communication. 

In a nutshell: look beyond someone's culture. 

It was probably the most enlightening session I've attended during this course because it spoke directly to me.

One of the slides from the session struck a chord with me. It focused on microaggressions and discrimination.

The example was: "Wat spreek je goed Nederlands." (Translated: You speak Dutch very well.)

At first glance, this sounds like a compliment, and one would naturally think the appropriate response is: "Thank you!" I have certainly said "thank you" when I heard this line.

However, our lecturer explained that although the intention may not be demeaning, the underlying subtext can be: "Voor iemand met jouw etnische achtergrond." (Translated: For someone with your ethnic background.)

Learning Dutch was not as easy as people assumed it would be - despite Afrikaans being an official language in South Africa - but I did my best and continue to learn. 

Over time, I started noticing that people asked more about my Dutch than about how I was doing. I had left my home and family behind, with my Dad having just revealed his cancer diagnosis, and moved to a new country. Instead of asking how I was coping with the move or settling in, I often felt reduced to only that aspect of myself.

Our lecturer also touched on diversity in the workplace. Do we see people from immigrant backgrounds in official positions? More often, we see them represented in the cleaning or catering sectors. I have heard many stories of people who were highly qualified professionals in their home countries, yet their qualifications are not recognized elsewhere.

The same applies to me, which is why I am following this training - so that I can be officially recognized for work I have already been doing for years. It has been one of the most difficult endeavours I have undertaken, but it has also pushed me out of my comfort zone and taught me so much about myself. 

I still need to map out all my thoughts, and I hope to continue writing about them as time permits.

Let's try this again

 I didn't keep up my promise to write since my last post eight months ago. Even as I typed the first sentence of this post, I backed up and rewrote it. 

A couple of conversations over the past few days have made the voice in my head louder: "Write. Just write. Don't overthink it. Just write."

I thought of my Television lecturer in my final years of Journalism - "Where there are people, there are stories." My three years in South Korea are proof of that. I'd find writing inspiration just from my walk from the school I worked at to my apartment.

What is compelling me to write now - after quite a hiatus - is not stories of people, but stories that have been with me over the past few years. Stories that have lived in my head, but most importantly in my heart.

As I wrote in my last post, I have written tidbits on my social media pages. However, ironically, I wrote that because I have been offline from all social media since September last year. The reason is two-fold. The first is because I was starting to realise that I was playing the comparison game. Comparing people online to myself... which is, even when I read that, is simply ridiculous.

I compared their skin, hair, eyebrows, teeth, and body to my own. 

Please don't come at me because I said these words to my doctor last year in August: "I'm an educated woman and I know that they're filters, but I still find myself comparing my own body to theirs." Sometimes it wasn't even about the filters, but about the confidence that they had to vlog and express their opinion.

I used to write like crazy 20-odd years ago. I look back at some articles I'd written, and frankly, I don't know where that tenacity disappeared to. I got a lot into my own head, sharing my inner thoughts with only my inner circle. My confidence waned a bit, and I wished I were like the "influencers" who are able to tell stories, something that I always thought was a passion.

The second reason I decided to take a break from social media is because I embarked on something quite big. I am studying again. Not only am I doing a 2-year teaching degree in Dutch, I'm doing it in one year. That's a story for another day.

...but for now, I just had to write something. Whether anyone reads it or not is besides the point, but the stories living in my mind need to be told.

Thanks for being here! ;)

Happy 20th Birthday to my blog

I can't believe that my last post was in 2022. I guess...life happens?

I've been sharing my writing on social platforms, but if I am honest, here's what led me back to this little corner.

I got a DM from one of my special former students I taught in Cape Town. It was in response to some writing I shared on there.

He wrote: "I've checked ur blog while ago...don't u think it's time to write there again?!"

After I responded that I think he's right, he answered:

"I'm gonna check it from time to time ;)" 

So there. I'm now held accountable. And I don't mind.

I started this blog in 2005. The word "blog" wasn't a buzz word at all back then. 

I remember turning to my blog as a place of refuge and solace when I lived in South Korea. I remember walking home from the school I worked at. I couldn't wait to get home to write on my blog. 

Words have always been my therapy. 

So - this year, as my blog turns 20 years old (!!!) this year, let's see how this goes.

Celebrate another milestone with me!

Dear Family & Friends, 

Celebrate another milestone with me! ✨

It was the first time going out this weekend without my crutches. 🙌🏼 

I’m still a bit wobbly, move slowly and lean on my hubby a lot. But I did it! 🤩

…thinking back to lying in the hospital bed. I used to wonder when/how/if I’d walk again. Getting daily injections for thrombosis prevention, because I needed to lay on the sofa - keeping my leg elevated. My leg muscles were so weak I could barely raise them.

My ankle still swells up a lot. My doctor assured me that it’s normal. He also said that it could take up to a year before I feel like myself again.

I’m in awe of our bodies and its capabilities. And beyond grateful for the love, support & encouragement from far & wide. 

A big hug & much love to you all for the week ahead. 🤗❤️😘

Our baby, Benjamin

Benjamin wasn’t sick or old. This was just the most tragic way that he was meant to leave this world. The void is real and our hearts feel like it’s been squashed.

Darmesh & Tiffany were the best parents to this fur baby. My Dad adored this little guy. When I’d visit East London, Dad would make sure Benjamin came to greet me good morning in my room.

My Mum surprised us all. She loved dogs, but from a distance. She didn’t want them to jump on her - until she met this baby. In recent months when she’d babysit him, she’d tell him that she was going to mandir (temple) and that she’d be back soon. It’s like he understood and didn’t kick up a fuss when she walked out the door. 

I can still hear my Dad’s voice saying, “My baby booy”.

Go well, my baby Benjamin. You’re with Daddy now.  🐶💔🪔🙏🏼🕉🐾🌈

Goodbye our beloved Benjamin

Our hearts are completely shattered. 💔

Our beloved Benjamin left us and is now with our Dad in heaven.

Benjamin was run over by a speeding car yesterday. He suffered internal injuries - broken ribs, fractured spine, injured lung. 

Our little Pug was a fighter and I was sure he was going to pull through. 

The fact that he was still alive - after the woman thought she rode over a speed bump - was a miracle itself. 

This afternoon, I got the dreaded call that his condition was worsening by the hour. He was in pain. And they had to make the difficult decision - every fur parent’s worst nightmare.

My Mum was hysterical and kept saying, “He’s gone to Daddy.”

My brother was…actually, I have no words.

I am numb.

Aum Shanti Shanti Shanti 🕉🪔🙏🏼💔🐾

Shubh Diwali 2022

Shubh Diwali to my family & friends!

May your day be bright, bold, beautiful & blessed. 🪔🙏🏼✨🤗❤️

Although I wish I was with my Mum now, I’m making the best of my current situation. Lighting these diyas and setting out mithai next to my Dad’s photo brought me so much joy.

I truly love and appreciate the significance of Diwali - more so now as an adult. 

Light over darkness.

Good over evil. 

New beginnings.

Today also marks 3 months since my accident. It’s been a rollercoaster. My recovery is steady and I’m constantly reminded of how amazing our bodies heal.

A massive (virtual) warm hug to you all! 🤗❤️

October milestones!

One week into October and I have celebrated two milestones! 🤩

1 - Although I need help getting in and out, I can now stand under the shower, although for a short period. 🙌🏼

2 - Yesterday‘s outing was to the hairdresser and lunch with my in-laws. It was the first time without my moon boot and the first time I wore a shoe on my left foot - since the 24th of July. 🥳

It was a strange feeling taking each step. I still need the crutches for support.  As my brother said: it was the first time my leg saw the sun. ☀️😄

I’m still having physio every week. On the day that I tried to walk with just one crutch, I had to consciously flex my left foot when taking a step. Can you imagine forgetting how you used to walk?! My foot is still a bit stiff and my toes are slightly numb.

I have two dark scars on my leg from the metal “tv aerial” after my first op. The scars around my ankle are still healing and need to be treated with TLC. They don’t bother me as much as I thought they would. It’s a constant reminder of what I’ve been through and how far I’ve come. 

I have two upcoming follow-ups with the doctor. But I’m in good spirits and slowly, but surely re-gaining my independence. 🙏🏼

I wish you all a wonderful week ahead! 🤗❤️😘

Stills from my birthday VHS

I went down a rabbit hole in my photo gallery. 

These stills from the VHS of my birthday party makes me smile & choke up at the same time.

Featuring our fur baby, Apollo! 🐕 

I can’t believe I had such thick hair when I was little. Decades later, nothing’s changed. 😄

Bottom left pic was us dancing to “Jabulani” 🎶 If you click on the photo, you should be able to hear the music clip I’ve added to this post.  

My Dad loved music. I miss us sharing links of what we’d be listening to. 

Always & forever… Daddy’s girl! 🥰❤️🪔

I finally looked at my foot!

My doctor visited me at home today and removed the bandage from my op on Wednesday.

For the first time, I didn’t close my eyes and I looked at my foot - properly. The scabs, wounds, stitches & wrinkly toes, because they were so swollen.

The doctor & physio advise I wear the boot for the next couple of weeks when I’m alone - which is all day! And then I can remove it in the evening. 

Also, for the first time in almost two months, my left foot touched the ground without the boot. I’m literally learning how to walk again with the physio using crutches. 

As bizarre as it sounds, I sometimes think: “How did I used to walk before? How did I balance on these two legs?”

I need to put pressure on my heel, which feels so strange. Physio also advised I use anti-slip socks at home. 

My left & right leg don’t look like they belong to the same body. 😳

Last night I was horrified to see how “leathery” and flaky my skin had become under my bandage. I know it’s all going to heal itself...and I have Bio-Oil to help! 

Pic 1 - first time standing with my foot touching, although not completely flat, on the ground. 🦵 

Pic 2 - still my view 🙏🏼

Pic 3 - new exercise from physio: 

Sitting on a chair and using my foot (with a slipper sock) I need to “slide” a piece of kitchen paper on the floor - away from and back to me.

This will assist strengthen my muscles & improve mobility.

FB friends, thank you for your love!

I wish you all a safe & happy weekend. 💖

Op was a success!

Dear Family & Friends,

The messages I received after my post last night (on and off Facebook) gave me such comfort. Thank you! ❤️‍🩹

I woke up around 05:00 this morning to lovely rain (showers of blessings as my Mum would say). I lit my divoh 🪔 and reminded my guardian angel to please be with me today. ✨

Once we arrived, admin went off smoothly. I was just given the hospital gown when a nurse already arrived to take me down. I thought it was better - no time to think while waiting in the room.

The last thing I remember was the Dr saying to me: “Sleep well, I’ll see you later!”

Updates from Dr:

My op went off smoothly. I can start moving around without the moon boot, but still need the crutches. I had it on when I was discharged as you can see in the pic. My foot will be swollen - for up to a few months! I’ll need to keep it elevated and make use of ice packs. I have many weeks of physio ahead of me.

And then…I won’t be making burfi with my Mum for Diwali this year. 💔 Dr said that it’s too soon to travel. 

Mum & I agreed that when I AM able to travel, we will recreate Diwali and make delicious treats together. 🥰

My Fears:

My leg is still weak and I’m scared of falling (without the boot support). The “pin/screw” and plate need to stay in and I worry that something could come loose. Dr understood my fears and reassured me. 

To some, it may seems silly, but I’ve never broken a bone in my life This was severe as my ankle was broken in three places. 😣

I send you all the warmest (long-distance) hugs.

🤗❤️🙏🏼

Anecdotes

Ahead of my surgery tomorrow, I wanted to share three anecdotes. 

They all took place while I was in the hospital and still make me smile when I think of them! 🥰

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

MY DAD WITH ME 😇

Day 2 when Hubby arrived at the hospital for visiting hours, he was unpacking things I’d asked him to bring for me from the hotel we were staying at. “I have a surprise for you,” he said as he pulled a jacket out of the bag. It belonged to my Dad, but my Mum recently gifted it to Hubby.  

He placed it on a hanger in the cupboard near my bed and said “…so you can feel your Dad with you.” 

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

NOT SO SMARTY AT MIDNIGHT

After my second op, I was told that I couldn’t go to the loo by myself. When Monica, the night nurse helped me from the bed to the wheelchair, there was a dim light on in the room. I noticed a pill lying on a tissue - next to the pill container. I told Monica that I think I missed taking that pill earlier. 

I couldn’t sleep a wink after my op and thought that the forgotten pill was a sleeping pill I didn’t take. Monica said she’d have to check with the other nurse, but when she picked it up, she proclaimed “It’s a sweet!” 

Only to realize that it was a lonesome Smartie from the box that Hubby brought earlier in the day. 🤣

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

OUR SWEET NEIGHBOURS

On the Saturday after my second op, a nurse brought me an envelope. I was so confused because it has a postal stamp - who knew where I was?!

It was a birthday & well wishes card from our sweet neighbours back home. They’re our parents’ age and we rely on them to water our plants when we’re away. 

When they learned about my freak accident, they sent this card - they Googled the hospital address and posted it to me!

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

Checkup with the doctor

I had my checkup with the doctor at the hospital today. What a relief that I didn’t need an X-ray because the last time was traumatic.🥺

My surgery is confirmed for next week Wednesday. 🏥

The doctor explained that the screws and plate will need to remain around my ankle. They need to, however, operate to remove one screw - to prevent the risk of it breaking.

There are days - like today - that it still feels surreal that this happened.

This text from my brother while I was at the hospital really helped: “Na don’t be scared. You have been through the hardest part already.”

When I think of lying in that hospital bed compared to the way I am today, I have, indeed, come a long way. 💪🏼

The attached pic is my current view. Leg elevated, boot open and ice packs on my leg to help soothe the itch. The itchiness is not on the wound itself, but my skin is very dry. I can’t wait for the nurse to wipe it down tomorrow and put a fresh bandage on. 🙏🏼

A message to you all:

Every single comment, private message & text has meant so much to me. The love, encouragement & check-ins are truly appreciated. Thank you so much! ❤️

It's the weekend!

For obvious reasons, I look forward to the weekend because I get to be out! 😎

Today’s outing: lunch with my in-laws. 

Getting in and out of the car takes time, but I managed to go into a store today. 🙌🏼 People still look - it doesn’t bother me and I just smile at them. Kids are always the most fascinated when they see my boot!

It was a short outing, but it tired me. I’ve been lying down with my leg elevated & my boot is open for some fresh air. I have slight pain on the side, which is my cue that it needs to be closed up again. 🙏🏼

I can’t believe I’ve had this on for one month already - day & night. 

I hope you’re all having a lovely weekend! ❤️

Forever Mummy’s girl!

Today wasn’t such a happy-clappy day. 😕

It started off by me losing my balance as I went to the intercom to buzz the nurse in. It was as if it was happening in slow motion. My crutch fell to the ground, but luckily I was able to quickly lean against the wall to steady myself. The bottom of my moon boot is kind of curved so when I take a step, it’s heel first then “roll” towards the toe. Each step with my crutches is taken very carefully, so it was pretty scary. 

My ankle has been paining slightly - ice packs help. I just breathe through it and only take meds when needed. 

Then the hospital called me. I am meeting the doctor for a check up next week and I’ll go in for my third operation in two weeks time. 🙏🏼

As the afternoon went on, I had this overwhelming feeling of missing my Mum and her hug. 🥺 Nothing compares to the warmth of a Mum’s arms around you! 🤗

How I wish to be sitting with her sipping on masala chai together. I was hoping to see her soon & was looking forward to making burfi together for Diwali - our first since my Dad passed. I’ve made peace that that trip may not happen, but today I felt the ache of just wanting to be with my Mum. 

Forever Mummy’s girl! 💞

Dad's visit in my dream

Last night my Dad visited me in my dream. We were all dressed up so smartly - taking a bunch of photos together. 

…only to learn later (in my dream) that my Dad was going away somewhere and we wouldn’t see him again. Hence the photo shoot.

When I woke up and realized what date it was, it all made sense. It’s the 27th - a year and half since my Dad left us.

Physically gone, but with us always ❤️😇🕉🪔

One month since my accident

Today marks one month since my accident.

So much went through my mind today, but most importantly - of how far I’ve come in these past few weeks.

A few updates:

Since my checkup last week, my physio sessions have been a bit more intense. A few days ago, just bending my toes hurt and was a scary sensation. 

While I’ve shared a lot in my posts, I haven’t disclosed the severity of my slip. My ankle was injured in three different places. I know where my surgery wounds are from where I felt the stitches removed. 

I’m not ready to look at my left leg or ankle without the bandage. I can feel the large scab from where the metal piece was around my leg from the first operation.

I have moments where my left leg is SO itchy. The only thing that relieves me is a firm rub over the bandage. I can’t, of course, scratch. I try my best to keep my skin moisturized and my water intake helps me keep hydrated.

This experience has truly made me slow down and importantly - surrender. 🙏🏼

Visit to the hospital

I had my stitches removed yesterday and x-rays taken of my ankle.

At the time, I felt traumatized. 😩 My boot needed to be removed outside the room and I had to walk (hop) with crutches to the x-rays without my left foot touching the ground.

They asked me to climb onto a block, but without my crutches I couldn’t lift my right leg high enough. And I couldn’t put pressure onto the left foot. They eventually raised the “bed” and I managed to stand on the block. 

I had this fear of falling over (begged them to not let me fall) and anxiety of my weak legs giving in. I was sweating and my mask-covered face and nape off my neck were drenched in tears. 😭 My hubby was outside - oblivious of what was happening and of course, shocked to see me in that state.

I have really been through it. Most days, I’m upbeat and chilled. Other days, I’m quiet and frustrated with my lack of ability to carry out simple tasks. Through it all, I’m grateful for the kindness and love I receive from far and wide. 

I am moving a lot better with my crutches and I’m almost used to the crazy weight of this boot - except when I’m tired.

My physio told me today that I’ll have a spectacular story to tell. I know that very well and I’m glad that I have written about and shared my journey here. Not for sympathy, but to document my ups AND downs. No two days are the same - which is okay!

The emotions that one goes through during something like this is nothing short of a rollercoaster. There have been nights I flop into bed and it takes me a good few minutes to catch my breath. And then I strategically plan how to manoeuvre my body to find a comfortable position.

Doctor advised that my x-rays show that I’m healing well. 🙏🏼 I’m so grateful for this and have a newfound respect for my body and its incredible capability. 

He wants to see me again next month just before my next operation.🏥

Keeping it real

Exactly two weeks ago at this time, I was being wheeled into surgery #1. This pic was sent to my mum (smiling under my mask) to ensure her I was okay. But I can’t explain the fear that erupted in my body. 

Videos of people falling or girls tripping in high heels always gives me shivers. I’ve always had a fear of falling and breaking something. Sometimes when I close my eyes I have these flashbacks - seeing myself from behind, walking and slipping - the epitome of a freak accident.

For the most part, I’m in a fairly good mental state and keeping positive, but I also want to be real.

I need to keep this boot on day & night and I battle falling asleep at night. We open it up twice a day for fresh air and to wiggle my toes. Can you imagine how frightening it was when I was asked to do this and I could barely move them? My swelling has gone down which makes it slightly easier, but I can’t bend them completely just yet.

Going to the bathroom is exhausting and I am so relieved when I reach the sofa in the morning or the bed at the end of the day. For the few times we need to be out, it’s scary going from the door to the car and back again with crutches as my legs are still weak.

Little things trigger me - certain sounds, too much activity, or even comments that I know people don’t mean. This morning the nurse who came to administer my Thrombosis injection told me I looked tired. I hadn’t finished getting myself done for the day. Of course she didn’t mean anything by it, but I didn’t need to hear the obvious. I’ve teared in front of strangers (like at the hairdresser when it was so hard for me to get up one step to reach the washing station). 

I honestly have no choice but to slow down now and rest. I keep reminding myself that it could have been worse. I am well aware that I have much to be grateful for. 🙏🏼❤️

Doctor's visit

During my sleep last night I reached out for the railing that I had on the side of my hospital bed.

“Why did they take it down? What if I fall off the bed?”

And then I remembered that I was actually back home!

We went to the doctor today. The walk from the car to the entrance really tired me. He checked the wound and re-bandaged my foot. I caught a glimpse of my toes: they were so swollen 🥺 but he assured me that it’s normal.

His prescriptions:

Physio - 3x a week
Bandage change - 2x a week
Thrombosis Injections - daily 

My stitches will be removed at a hospital in two weeks and I’ll have a consultation before the next surgery.

“You have no choice now, but to rest,” doctor told me - knowing all too well that I didn’t rest sufficiently when I had Covid last month.

I’ll need to be laying on my back while I have this boot on. My neck already feels sore today so I’ll look into getting a special pillow for the sofa. I’ve already ordered a “leg raiser.”

Any tips for laying comfortably on the sofa?

Please share. 🙏🏼