Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Men must toughen up & tell the truth!

As I get (will I regret saying this?) older, the inevitable happens. I'm changing. One thing that has definitely changed is my taste in guys. Actually, I prefer saying 'men' as 'guys' seems so teenage-y.

Approximately ten years ago, if I was asked, "What's your perfect guy like?" I'd probably have rattled off a list of him being kind, funny, caring etc... oh, and he had to be a "suit guy", which I guess in my mind represented being a businessman. There's just something appealing about a man in a suit :)

I have since modified my list. A lot. To be very honest, I don't really know why I was thinking of this but when I'm asked what kind of qualities I look for in a person (man) I think I should have a solid list at the top of my head.

Image from Google Images

You can call it chemistry. You can call it electricity. Call it whatever you like, but if there isn't that initial attraction between two people, then what kind of relationship will you foster?  You see, I have met a few people who I've been attracted to on different levels. There's been physical attraction, intellectual attraction and spiritual attraction. I also find myself attracted to people who make me laugh.

With what I think is good reason, I have a little problem when it comes to trust. Here's why:

I meet a guy and we hit it off. He initiates communication. As always, I'm hesitant and allow him to make the first move and what not. We talk for hours on end. We email, chat, call. This goes on for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months. Even though I wasn't initially attracted to him, his pros outweigh his cons and I can suddenly picture us as a couple!

After a while, he decides that he's bored and perhaps doesn't like me anymore. So he stops all communication.

Cold turkey.

By this stage, it's not about him calling, texting or emailing first. I begin to initiate conversations too. But when I do send a message or call, he doesn't pick up, return the call or reply messages.

So I end up in this frenzy - what the f*ck happened? I thought things were going so well. I lie in bed at night typing texts to send to him that I actually end up saving in my Drafts. I'm too chicken to hit Send, because I know I'll be fighting my sleep waiting for him to write back, which he doesn't do.

You see, from my personal experience, guys who've gone cold turkey and stopped all means of communication do so for one reason. They think we will simply forget about them and move on.

It's a bit ironic that I just read this a few minutes ago: "Girls give and forgive. Guys get and forget."

Heaven forbid you chat online to the guy. It's agonizing seeing his name, let alone seeing that he's online. You click his name a dozen times to start a chat, but you never do.

When you finally pin him down and ask him why he's gone AWOL on you, his reply is measly. Oh, it's so lame. It's one of the oldest lines (lies?) to date.

"Sorry, I was really busy."

Nonsense! NO ONE is THAT busy not to talk to someone they like. How do married people communicate then? I swear, it doesn't take even ten seconds to send a text...that's if you like someone and you're serious about getting to know them further.

This is precisely the reason why it's hard to trust a man. How do you know that he is dead serious about starting a relationship (and being faithful to you) if he suddenly stops all forms of communication?

So this is my gripe: If men wish to terminate - for lack of a better word - the relationship, can they please, for the love of God, have the decency and guts to be honest and frank with the person he's (supposedly) seeing.

Not only does it save time in a relationship that's clearly going nowhere, but it can also save further heartbreak.

Things get unnecessarily complicated when the female in the relationship becomes agitated and wants answers as to why the male stopped talking to her. Generally, women need closure more than men do. When she confronts him and demands answers why he stopped talking to her, it gets sticky. The man ends up lying when all he wants to say is, "I"m not interested in you anymore." I think I'd appreciate a man being upfront and honest with me than trying to sugarcoat lies.

By a man telling a woman that he's no longer interested in her will also save her face. Imagine this: He doesn't reply her text so she thinks perhaps he didn't get it. (He did) She tries chatting to him online, but he doesn't respond so she thinks maybe he wasn't at his computer. (He was) When she finally gets hold of him, she asks "Why haven't you replied my messages / called me back?" To some people, all this makes her seem desperate, right? But how is she to know if he doesn't tell her.

After finding out that he did get her messages, but was too busy to get back to her can only make her feel lousy.

Do you or do you not agree with me?

I asked a close male friend what he thought the important qualities of a relationship should be.

The first thing he said was, "He must have time for her." Any kind of relationship, whether it's between family or friends needs to be nurtured by all people involved. The hand that takes must also give. He went on to say other things like mutual respect and the usual kind of things that we talk about when discussing men, women and what makes healthy relationships.

For me, first and foremost, I want a man who will stick by me through thick and thin. Who won't throw in the towel when the going gets tough. Someone who is determined to work and persevere. Clearly I haven't met anyone like this yet as I'm still single.

I can't emphasize how important communication is. People who don't talk things out end up assuming the worst of situations. If the man is genuinely busy or has something on in his life - he needs to communicate this, because...how else are we (women) to know?

Mutual respect is another thing that's important between two people - parent and child, teacher and student, amongst friends, boyfriend and girlfriend and husband and wife.

Not only do I want, but I need someone with whom I can be myself around and who will feel completely comfortable with me as well. I think this goes without saying, though. This kind of person should fit in your life like a puzzle.

I know I can talk forever, especially on topics I'm passionate about. There wasn't really a point in writing this. I guess I was just "thinking aloud" and that's what my blog is for.

In a nutshell, I wish men can prove that they are man enough to tell a woman when he wants to call it quits and not let her hover around in suspense.

That's all!


Kent Page said...

I love this post... there has been nights where I stayed awake myself and EVERY SINGLE IDEA in this post has crossed my mind about a particular someone. Just know that men can be just as affected too by women who literally fall off the face of the earth, never answer their phone and for some reason never come online on messenger again. I can get over someone with time... the worst part that tears me up is the NOT KNOWING.

Sheetal said...


Thanks for reading this. I have no doubt that men go through the same emotions. As you said, the worst part is not knowing. So to conquer that, we all need to come clean with e'other in relationships!