Friday night... 2 days later

My mum e-mailed me after she read my blog about my hard drive on Wednesday. Her kind, loving and consoling words were probably what I needed to get me crying. Before that, I hadn't cried. I just said I wanted to and that I felt I could. But I really cried a lot after the e-mail.

And thinking back, I don't know why I cried. Was it because my hard drive is in a critical condition and I will only get word on it next week? Did I cry because no one understands my grief and pain? Or did I cry because no one really gives a f**k?

The past 2 days have been very painful for me. I haven't been to gym. I've just been to work, taught my classes with a forced smile, came home... climbed into bed and watch TV. Even though my mum's been trying to call me, I can't talk to her because I will probably break into tears.

Of course, measured against other problems on such a larger scale (globally etc...) my little dilemma is microscopic. But what I've POSSIBLY lost is what makes me ME. It's my THING. It's EVIDENCE of things I've seen, done and experienced.

I have friends who are professional photographers, and I can almost say that I beat them hands down when it comes to snapping away.

The last thing I need to hear from anyone is that I should have had a back up. I KNOW. I had already told my IT guy that I wanted him to get me another hard drive as a back up. On the other hand, I have over 300 albums uploaded on Facebook. So there are digital back-ups. I was going to get the new HD by next week.

My hard drive is currently in Yong-san. If they recover 90% of my data, I will have to pay $500(US). That's a lot of money. But I don't care. I will pay.

I have so many other gadgets that are SO much more expensive than my hard drive. Laptop, netbook, DSLR camera, digital camera, iPod Touch. I wouldn't have felt this way if any of these things FELL to the ground. But .... damn, it was such a freak accident. Where is the Rewind button when I need it?

I've only been chatting to my brother online, and mostly about other things to try and divert my thoughts. Yesterday morning, I called a friend in SA. I didn't even know where to begin whatever I wanted to say. But all I know was that I was feeling very crap. I felt a bit better after talking. I didn't even have to say much and my friend just listened. I guess that's all I really needed.

After getting dressed and putting on my makeup, I had to also put on my "poker face" although I don't think I can really pull it off. If someone here asks me what's the matter, I have two options:

1) Lie and tell them I'm fine ... maybe just tired
2) Explain my situation very slowly. And too much of the story gets lost in translation or misunderstandings. It ends up becoming very frustrating - for my Korean friends, and for me.

All I really want to say is: I'M SO F*CKING IRRITATED WITH THE WORLD AND EVERYONE.

I'm really a good person. I'm the kind of person who will make the phone call the following day to see if you're OK after being down the previous day. I'll buy you a present for buying your first car. I'll think of buying you breakfast knowing that you probably rushed to work this morning. And everything I do, I do without expectations of getting anything in return.

That's why that day I walked home from work, I couldn't help but think what I'd done to suddenly get this feeling so sickening in my body.

Even when I eat, it hurts when I swallow. Mostly also because I just don't have the energy to chew.

If anyone reading this can't understand how I'm feeling, then I just don't have the energy to explain myself. And I don't really care either. The only person I can tell things to is my mother, but I can't speak to right now. And I feel blessed to be able to express myself through my writing, and that is what I'm doing through my blog.

I have so much to blog about, so that's what I intend doing for the next couple of hours.

Child Abuse?

I can't log into Blogger from my work computer, so I wrote this as a Facebook note. I've just copied & pasted it here. I'll probably blog about it again.
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Friday, July 17 2009 - 8:40am

I've just arrived at work.

I saw something disturbing a few minutes ago. Walking to work, as I turned a corner I heard a child crying. I didn't expect to see what I did. A girl (maybe 10 years old) was standing naked, holding a paper with a message on it. Who I assume was her mother was standing next to her, arms folded, giving her a death stare. My instant reaction was that I had to take a photo (to ask my Korean friends what the paper read) and - SURELY, what I saw was wrong.

But I couldn't pull out my green neon camera and snap this weeping child - who was standing naked in the street. Naked. Crying.

I walked on, but turned to look back over my shoulder a couple of times. So many people walking towards her were slowing down and mothers walking their children to school had a confusing look on their face.

I arrived at school, and told one of my co-teachers (Mr Oh) what I'd seen.
"Maybe she's being punished?" he said.
"But isn't that illegal?" I asked.
It is.

I just told another friend at school about it, and she told me that she'd heard about it. The paper read:

"I am a liar"

What do you think? I'm really disturbed by this.

Update: 9:45am

I told my other co-teacher about this. She was very upset to hear this. She said that it constitutes as child abuse. And she just shook her head in disappointment saying, "That girl will NEVER forget today for the rest of her life."

I honestly don't know if the girl is one of my student's. I couldn't bear to look at her face. It is very likely that she is a student at our school, since this happened just around the corner from the school. Apparently, no one can question or confront the parent, but if necessary - it can be exposed in the media. I know of other teacher's who walk that route in the morning and will ask them if they saw it.

But - so far no one has reacted as it being 'normal' or acceptable.

Michael Jackson is no more - a sad day for the world

Pic taken from Google Images

When I woke up this morning at 6am, the media and online community were in a complete frenzy. Michael Jackson - who needs no introduction whatsoever, went into cardiac arrest and was taken to hospital.

I was checking the news every few minutes for updates on the situation. While I was getting ready for work, I read that MJ was reportedly dead. ("Reportedly"?) The next update was that the superstar was just in a coma. Ok. Brief sigh of relief.

Till the next update -

Michael Jackson dead at 50

I wasn't a die-hard fan of MJ, but the man definitely was the King of Pop. Sure, he faced an enormous amount of grief during his life, but underneath all that - he was legendary. No one can dispute that.

Throughout the day, I was reading news snippets and messages of condolences from fans all around the world. I felt heartsore reading it. And I thought that's it's truly amazing how ONE person can affect the entire world. How amazing it is that we all feel connected to him in some way or another.

As 5FM radio personality, Sasha Martinengo said, "Perhaps I now understand how people felt when Elvis Presley died." I completely agree.

I think back to other icons who lost their lives during my lifetime - Princess Diana / Mother Teresa. The world literally came to a standstill. Sadly, to this day Princess Di is still being hounded by the press about her death and events leading up to it.

Regarding MJ, already headlines are reading: "Michael Jackson leaves hefty debts"

I didn't expect to feel so affected like this. But I am. I was really occupied at work today, but I wasn't myself and felt hazy.

I'm at home now, and didn't go to the gym. I know that if I go, my mind wouldn't be focused on my exercise.

Also, there's no one around me here who will be able to empathize. Last month the former president of South Korea committed suicide. The entire country was in mourning. Of course, I couldn't really understand the deapth of sadness that my Korean colleagues felt. The same can be said for the feelings of today.

Anyways, I won't bother posting news stories on my blog. Every single news site is headlining MJ's death as breaking news. If he wasn't considered as one of the best selling artists on the PLANET, would his death be "breaking news"?

Naturally, the Jackson family will be zoomed in by the entire world. Apart from being a top entertainer with a career spanning 4 decades, he is/was just a human being - with parents and siblings. And if anything, we should respect their privacy and allow them to grieve in peace.

R.I.P. MJ

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems ~

Last week was a trying week for me. I was hearing bad news from all corners of the world and everything seemed to be happening at once. At times like this, it is so difficult to be far away from the people you love most.

I didn't know how to react to everything that was happening. People around me here were oblivious to what I was going through. I wore a proverbial 'mask' for 3 days and kept myself occupied as best I could.

I stayed after work on Thursday and Friday, and spent 2 hours at the gym on Friday night. I don't work on Saturdays, even though schools in Korea are in session every alternate week. However, I went to work just so that I could keep my mind busy.

On Sunday night, I convinced myself to get rid of the nasty feeling hovering over me. On Monday morning, I was back on the radar and back to my old self.

I just realized that things are almost never as bad as they appear to me.

This was a busy week for me, which I'm glad for because it made the days pass by very quickly ~

Back in Korea

...with my dad

I left East London on Friday, September 5. My mum was going to travel with me to Jo'burg. We were delayed in EL for 3 hours.

It was a tearful goodbye, and was so touched with family & friends who came to the airport to see me off.

We arrived in Jo'burg that evening and stayed a night at the Inter-continental hotel.


Saturday morning, I said a tearful goodbye to my mum and headed for Dubai. We were delayed for an hour before taking off. 2 hours in Dubai, and I was headed for Korea.

I arrived in Korea on Sunday evening to a cold and empty apartment...

My own personal post

I hate feeling needy. More than that, I hate complaining. But this is my blog. My space. And I can say whatever the hell I want to. Right? So here goes:

Over the past week, I swear - about 5 people have told me that I am looking different. "Good different?" I ask? "Yes...you're....glowing!" and then of course, I am asked, "What's his name"?

For the record: There is no "he" featuring in my life at the moment. Trust me, if there was, I'd have blogged about him by now :)

But yes... I have been feeling much more relaxed in this final quarter of my university career. Work is going well, and I have a lot of free time on my hands... which I am really not used to. I am used to being occupied from morning till the early hours of the next morning.

I'm not writing this post because I want sympathy. I just wanted to vent.

So even though I have been told that I am looking "good", why am I not "feeling" it? I am just feeling let down by ....well, people...

It's hard to put into words all that is going through my mind now, but today was a day where I just wanted to talk. Not about anything in particular, but I just wanted to have company - most of my day was spent working (on my laptop) so in the process...I got chatting to friends - online. Nope, that didn't fill the void I was feeling. I wanted to be in actual human company... in the flesh! And as dramatic as that sounds, I don't care. I wanted to see and hear people talking and laughing in front of me. In the flesh. But most people were busy this evening...as I had been throughout the day.

So I called my mum - she didn't have assignments / tests etc to work on (LOL) so I thought I'd see how her evening was going. And I told her that I was feeling a bit lonely. She asked where all my friends were. Well, they were occupied doing other things. Like I said at the beginning of this post - I hate feeling needy. I know that my friends are busy with academic work / sorting out their own lives etc... and if anything, I'm supportive of all that.

But I am feeling a bit pissed off right now...
An example - I was trying to 'talk' to a friend... and I was cut off mid-sentence. This, from someone who rambles on till the cows come home. I'm used to this, but today it just hit a nerve.

Just once, I'd like someone to ask me how my day was ...and be genuinely interested in knowing about it...

Just once, I'd like someone to remember an important test that I have to write - and wish me luck for it...

Just once, I wish someone would give ME a hug, just for the hell of it.

Just once, I wish conversations wouldn't only be all about the other person...

Ok , so maybe I sound needy after all - but hell... I'm only human and we all have a right to feel this way...right? If everyone else around me can feel that way, why the hell can't I?

I love being the one people feel comfortable talking to when they need advice or cheering up. It makes me feel good helping others. It really does.

But who do I go to when I want to cry just for the hell of it?

This evening, my mother told me that we are living in a cruel world. Stating the obvious, mother...but her words ring true.

Each man (or woman) for his (or her) own.

DISCLAIMER: I have generalized in this post. I have certain friends who - even when they are busy - will spare me five minutes. Sometimes, that's all I need...

One of those days...

I wanna cry, but I dunno why
~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~

It was pouring with rain when I woke up this morning.
I usually love the rain, but today I wished for the sun to be out and the birds to be singing.
It was just one of those gloomy days...which made me feel *uggghhh*.
There wasn't really anything 'wrong', I was just feeling down.

So before I crept into my bed in the darkness of my room, Ferret and I ordered pizza. We chatted and laughed till our food came. And then my friend, Teneshia called. I really miss not seeing her as much as I did last year. And after that ...my friends, Himesh & Nikhil came over to visit. We ended up chatting and laughing about all sorts of random things.

So my solution to days like this: Surround yourself with people who make you happy and who can put a smile on your face! Because thanks to the above-mentioned friends, I'm going to bed much happier than when I woke up this morning!