Friday, October 9, 2009

Friday night... 2 days later

My mum e-mailed me after she read my blog about my hard drive on Wednesday. Her kind, loving and consoling words were probably what I needed to get me crying. Before that, I hadn't cried. I just said I wanted to and that I felt I could. But I really cried a lot after the e-mail.

And thinking back, I don't know why I cried. Was it because my hard drive is in a critical condition and I will only get word on it next week? Did I cry because no one understands my grief and pain? Or did I cry because no one really gives a f**k?

The past 2 days have been very painful for me. I haven't been to gym. I've just been to work, taught my classes with a forced smile, came home... climbed into bed and watch TV. Even though my mum's been trying to call me, I can't talk to her because I will probably break into tears.

Of course, measured against other problems on such a larger scale (globally etc...) my little dilemma is microscopic. But what I've POSSIBLY lost is what makes me ME. It's my THING. It's EVIDENCE of things I've seen, done and experienced.

I have friends who are professional photographers, and I can almost say that I beat them hands down when it comes to snapping away.

The last thing I need to hear from anyone is that I should have had a back up. I KNOW. I had already told my IT guy that I wanted him to get me another hard drive as a back up. On the other hand, I have over 300 albums uploaded on Facebook. So there are digital back-ups. I was going to get the new HD by next week.

My hard drive is currently in Yong-san. If they recover 90% of my data, I will have to pay $500(US). That's a lot of money. But I don't care. I will pay.

I have so many other gadgets that are SO much more expensive than my hard drive. Laptop, netbook, DSLR camera, digital camera, iPod Touch. I wouldn't have felt this way if any of these things FELL to the ground. But .... damn, it was such a freak accident. Where is the Rewind button when I need it?

I've only been chatting to my brother online, and mostly about other things to try and divert my thoughts. Yesterday morning, I called a friend in SA. I didn't even know where to begin whatever I wanted to say. But all I know was that I was feeling very crap. I felt a bit better after talking. I didn't even have to say much and my friend just listened. I guess that's all I really needed.

After getting dressed and putting on my makeup, I had to also put on my "poker face" although I don't think I can really pull it off. If someone here asks me what's the matter, I have two options:

1) Lie and tell them I'm fine ... maybe just tired
2) Explain my situation very slowly. And too much of the story gets lost in translation or misunderstandings. It ends up becoming very frustrating - for my Korean friends, and for me.

All I really want to say is: I'M SO F*CKING IRRITATED WITH THE WORLD AND EVERYONE.

I'm really a good person. I'm the kind of person who will make the phone call the following day to see if you're OK after being down the previous day. I'll buy you a present for buying your first car. I'll think of buying you breakfast knowing that you probably rushed to work this morning. And everything I do, I do without expectations of getting anything in return.

That's why that day I walked home from work, I couldn't help but think what I'd done to suddenly get this feeling so sickening in my body.

Even when I eat, it hurts when I swallow. Mostly also because I just don't have the energy to chew.

If anyone reading this can't understand how I'm feeling, then I just don't have the energy to explain myself. And I don't really care either. The only person I can tell things to is my mother, but I can't speak to right now. And I feel blessed to be able to express myself through my writing, and that is what I'm doing through my blog.

I have so much to blog about, so that's what I intend doing for the next couple of hours.

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