Monday, October 16, 2006
I hate feeling needy. More than that, I hate complaining. But this is my blog. My space. And I can say whatever the hell I want to. Right? So here goes:
Over the past week, I swear - about 5 people have told me that I am looking different. "Good different?" I ask? "Yes...you're....glowing!" and then of course, I am asked, "What's his name"?
For the record: There is no "he" featuring in my life at the moment. Trust me, if there was, I'd have blogged about him by now :)
But yes... I have been feeling much more relaxed in this final quarter of my university career. Work is going well, and I have a lot of free time on my hands... which I am really not used to. I am used to being occupied from morning till the early hours of the next morning.
I'm not writing this post because I want sympathy. I just wanted to vent.
So even though I have been told that I am looking "good", why am I not "feeling" it? I am just feeling let down by ....well, people...
It's hard to put into words all that is going through my mind now, but today was a day where I just wanted to talk. Not about anything in particular, but I just wanted to have company - most of my day was spent working (on my laptop) so in the process...I got chatting to friends - online. Nope, that didn't fill the void I was feeling. I wanted to be in actual human company... in the flesh! And as dramatic as that sounds, I don't care. I wanted to see and hear people talking and laughing in front of me. In the flesh. But most people were busy this evening...as I had been throughout the day.
So I called my mum - she didn't have assignments / tests etc to work on (LOL) so I thought I'd see how her evening was going. And I told her that I was feeling a bit lonely. She asked where all my friends were. Well, they were occupied doing other things. Like I said at the beginning of this post - I hate feeling needy. I know that my friends are busy with academic work / sorting out their own lives etc... and if anything, I'm supportive of all that.
But I am feeling a bit pissed off right now...
An example - I was trying to 'talk' to a friend... and I was cut off mid-sentence. This, from someone who rambles on till the cows come home. I'm used to this, but today it just hit a nerve.
Just once, I'd like someone to ask me how my day was ...and be genuinely interested in knowing about it...
Just once, I'd like someone to remember an important test that I have to write - and wish me luck for it...
Just once, I wish someone would give ME a hug, just for the hell of it.
Just once, I wish conversations wouldn't only be all about the other person...
Ok , so maybe I sound needy after all - but hell... I'm only human and we all have a right to feel this way...right? If everyone else around me can feel that way, why the hell can't I?
I love being the one people feel comfortable talking to when they need advice or cheering up. It makes me feel good helping others. It really does.
But who do I go to when I want to cry just for the hell of it?
This evening, my mother told me that we are living in a cruel world. Stating the obvious, mother...but her words ring true.
Each man (or woman) for his (or her) own.
DISCLAIMER: I have generalized in this post. I have certain friends who - even when they are busy - will spare me five minutes. Sometimes, that's all I need...